We all remember the high school drama—the “mean girls” who ran the show, forming tight cliques, judging everyone who didn’t fit the mold, and constantly making people feel like outsiders. But here's the twist: these mean girl dynamics don’t just disappear when you turn 18. In fact, they can stick around and rear their ugly heads in adulthood. Whether it’s at work, in social circles, or even within your friend group, cliques and their queen bee figures have a way of creeping into our lives, poisoning potential friendships, and making it hard to find genuine connections. But let’s not beat around the bush: there are also some positives to the "mean girl" mentality if we look at it from a certain angle. So, let’s break it down: What’s behind this clique culture, why it continues as we grow older, and how we can navigate it without losing ourselves in the process.
What is a Mean Girl or Clique?
When we talk about "mean girls," we’re not necessarily referring to the movie’s high school drama. In real life, mean girls are those individuals who thrive on exclusion, dominance, and maintaining control over a social group. They often set the rules of who’s in and who’s out, and they usually play the “queen bee” role, whether they realize it or not. A clique, in this sense, is a small, exclusive group of people who share similar traits or interests but exclude others based on arbitrary standards, like popularity, appearance, or status.
Cliques aren't just exclusive, they're divisive. They often make those who aren't in the clique feel inferior, unworthy, or invisible. In adulthood, these dynamics may show up in the form of friend groups where some people are treated like VIPs while others are left on the outskirts. The psychology behind this is the same: humans crave belonging, and those at the top of the social ladder (or even just within a tight-knit group) find security in maintaining their power and exclusivity.
Why Do These Cliques and Mean Girls Continue in Adulthood?
The truth is, high school wasn’t the last time we dealt with social hierarchies—it just got more subtle. In adulthood, people have more power to create their own social circles, and some have a need to cling to their “queen bee” status. These cliques and mean girl mentalities persist because they offer a sense of control and certainty. Life is unpredictable, but if you're the one running the show, you feel like you’ve got a handle on things.
Additionally, adulthood often brings more competition, whether it’s in the workplace, social gatherings, or even relationships. Some people cling to the clique mentality because they fear being left out or losing their position. They’ve learned that being “in charge” can give them the social leverage they need to stay relevant.
But it’s not all bad—these dynamics can foster loyalty within a group. If you’re a part of the clique, you get the benefits: support, shared experiences, and, sometimes, protection from the outside world. It’s human nature to form these groups as a way to feel secure in an unpredictable world. That said, it often comes at the cost of alienating others who don’t fit the mold.
Why Some People Want to Be a Mean Girl (In a Good Way)
Now, here’s the plot twist: being a “mean girl” doesn’t always have to be about being cruel or divisive. In fact, there’s a lot of power in owning the role of the queen bee—if you do it the right way. Some people gravitate toward this role because they understand the importance of having influence and respect in social settings. It’s about being a leader, setting boundaries, and creating a group where people respect your decisions and values.
When done right, being the “mean girl” can mean being the strong, confident leader who doesn’t take shit from anyone. You set the tone for your friend group, you ensure that your boundaries are respected, and you give people the sense of belonging they crave—without tolerating toxic behavior. In a world where making real connections as an adult is hard enough, sometimes it takes a little tough love to ensure your social circle stays positive, loyal, and fulfilling.
Some "Mean Girls" weren't even that type in high school or college! In finding confidence in adulthood, some rise to the top and decide they will never be bullied or put down again. These individuals, after years of overcoming personal struggles, finding their voice, and embracing their worth, step into their new role as the leader of the pack. They’ve learned the hard way that in the adult world, being meek or passive won’t get them anywhere. They’ve built their confidence through hardship and want to ensure they’re never put down or overlooked again. For them, the mean girl persona is more about self-preservation, setting boundaries, and refusing to be pushed around than it is about tearing others down. It’s the power to stand up for themselves and create a social circle where they finally feel in control, respected, and seen.
Being a “queen bee” doesn’t mean excluding people; it means choosing quality over quantity. It’s about curating the people in your life who are aligned with your values and goals, and keeping the drama and negativity at bay. The best kind of mean girl? The one who can rally the group, uplift others, and still make sure that no one feels like they’re beneath her. She’s strong, not because she’s mean, but because she’s confident and secure enough to lead without tearing others down.
Continue The Conversation:
Check out Season 2, Episode 9 "Mean Girls" on our podcast! Available on Spotify & major streaming platforms! You can also view this episode through our website or on Youtube.
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